@truegritrumble: GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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@GrantTanaka: me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours
@mrtruthandsoul: No, I don't need a bag; I'm gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
@tastefactory: 12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it's bad *throws in trash* HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what's this
@theshantilly: My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.