@truegritrumble: GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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@chinty88: I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred? . . . . . The top ans was . . . . . GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
@djdarrellripley: Her: I can't cook because, I "believe" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
@heymonroe: *notices girl singing song that's on in coffee shop* Me: You're a Cher fan too!? Her: Hold on *takes off bluetooth* Her: What? *dies alone*
@PetrickSara: Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)