GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not