GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
man i love columbo
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL