(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?