Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.