Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited