officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Friday night party time 🥳
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My blood type is coffee.
Spotted in New Orleans.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?