Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
You Might Also Like
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My time has come.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos