Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”