Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
a badder mouse
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!