It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes