Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?