Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
You Might Also Like
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
congratulations to them
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
How did we not see this back then?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe