[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
This could’ve been an email.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.