Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”