@Reverend_Scott: Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.
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@WonderMonkey78: I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@mattsurely: Me: What do you call sex in December? Wife: Don't say it. Me: ... W: ... Me: Wintercourse. W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.