Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*Seductively hides in the woods
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week