Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.