Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.