Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.