Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]