Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err