Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay Iâll take one dollar
CLERK: thatâll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didnât ask me a single one.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then weâll be even.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh youâve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I donât really think thatâs what Jesus would have wanted
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
đŚ
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc heâs in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go âBig rush huhâ and he says âYeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.â
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Donât get angry…
…get pizza.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*