guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”