Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
🙁
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.