Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
You Might Also Like
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
This is a sub tweet
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon