My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Jupiter
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.