Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.