@MrBikferd: Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
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@lovstructionist: Interviewer: what's your greatest weakness? Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that! *walls fall over revealing secret lab*
@tastefactory: I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
@jwalkonthemoon: It's stupid that "girl" and "world" are rhymed together so much in songs when "squirrel" is right there for the taking.