No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
You Might Also Like
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
black phone good
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.