Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.