Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’d hang this in my house.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
put ‘er there pardner!
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500