@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
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@rolldiggity: 1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom. 2. Whisper, "Oh no, not again..." 3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.
@noogscorner: Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend. Step 2) Text "Medusa's excited to meet you." Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@juliussharpe: Million dollar idea - an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
@better_off_dad: 'It's nice & thick...you'll have to suck pretty hard.' - Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.