@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
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@emmkaff: Scientists: Don't freak out about Ebola. Everyone: *Panic!* Scientists: Freak out about climate change. Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
@nealbrennan: People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
@3sunzzz: [searching for a new church] Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers? Church: *click*
@WesTheFatKid: "Because Im a goddamned rock star!" wasn't the answer my boss was looking for as to why I was late to work, lesson learned.