@bornmiserable: Guys who say there's a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
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@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.