Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul