If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me as a therapist: omg same
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.