Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one