Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
You Might Also Like
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.