Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.