Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
You Might Also Like
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED