Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb