Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not