Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
me: my friends:
Weirdos gonna weird.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Saturday
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS