[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”