GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.