English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.