urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.