OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that