H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.