H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.