H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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Love is in the air fryer.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Bootstraps
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?