H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif