H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Battery falling down a hole
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa