Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
This is my emotional support knife.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.